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Self-sabotage is an incredibly common and destructive behavior that can stealthily stand in the way of you living your best life. For Mia Hewett, uncovering her own self-sabotaging behaviors was the key to making the changes that would lead to her personal and professional successes.

In this episode, we sit down with Mia to explore how and why we sabotage ourselves and why our early life experiences can continue to impact us well into adulthood. Then, we discuss how we can identify and process the factors contributing to negative thinking patterns and behaviors, enabling us to transition to a better version of ourselves.

—Mia Hewett

Raw and Real Entrepreneurship with Mia Hewett

Topics covered in the interview

  • Mia’s first business
  • Overcoming self-sabotage
  • Proving
  • Breaking the pattern of self-sabotage

About Mia Hewett

Mia Hewett is a self-described “alignment coach,” empowering her clients with the tools and support they need to break free from unproductive patterns, process emotions, and make the decisions necessary to achieve their full potential.

She is the founder of Aligned Intelligence®, a well-respected business and brain coach, international speaker, and co-owner of multiple seven-figure businesses. Mia is also the author of “Meant for More,” a best-selling book focused on harnessing the power of the subconscious mind to reach personal and professional goals.

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Show Notes

Read Full Transcript

Mia Hewett 00:00
When we think that there's something wrong with us, so what happens is the trauma and again, it's experienced from the inside out. So the trauma creates a perception or perspective, right, a filter, from which we see, like life from, that's coming from our beliefs about ourselves, others in the world, which all came from that core trauma, which then, then dictates our actions or even our non actions.

Susan Sly 00:27
Welcome to Raw and Real Entrepreneurship, the show that dares to bring no nonsense insight to those who have the courage to start, grow and scale a business. I'm your host, Susan Sly. Well, hey, what's up Raw and Real Entrepreneurs, wherever you are in the world, I hope you're having an amazing, amazing day. And don't forget, you can always go to if you have a great idea for a show, a guest, a question, feedback on the show, I want to hear from you. Once again, go to I have some incredible announcements. Number one, I am launching my moonshot, the Fem Boss incubator with a vision to help 1000 women who maybe aren't techie, launch tech companies that we are going to start together, grow together, and scale together. And it is going to be massive. So go to, find out more. And guess what, you might be thinking, well, Susan, I'm not a woman, can I still apply? Yes, as long as you love women, you can apply. The next announcement I have, my new course, Employee to Entrepreneur is going live. It's coming up at the end of April. So you definitely want to check it out. It is designed for someone who has never been an entrepreneur and needs to know the basics. You want the fundamentals so you can set yourself up for success. Why? I've only been an entrepreneur for 40 years. So you know, it's taking all of that and putting that wisdom and helping you create the knowledge so you can start your own business. My guest today, I'm so excited. We were chatting so much before the show that I thought gosh, I should have recorded this because she said so many incredible things. She's the founder and CEO of Aligned Intelligence and a best selling author of Meant For More, and let's face it, aren't we all meant for more? And on top of it, she is an expert on the topic of human potential. And she and I are going to talk about self sabotage. We're going to talk about growth potential. We're going to talk about why we don't do the things we're capable of doing, and we're going to talk about a lot of things. In developing her methodologies, she has interviewed and work with countless other people from Jack Canfield, Mel Robbins, who's amazing, billionaires, multimillionaires. She has launched two multi million dollar businesses, including an amazing business, the brick and mortar space, which is so cool. And on top of everything, I'm just gonna tell you, she and I have both run the Boston Marathon. So I love her already. So my guest today is Mia Hewett. Mia, thank you for being here.

Mia Hewett 02:52
Thank you so much for having me. It's so great to be here, Susan.

Susan Sly 02:56
Okay, Mia. Let's get gritty. So you okay, if you're on YouTube, you can see me. You're like, Oh, she's probably like, 36 years old. No, but she has been in business for over 36 years. What was your first business?

Mia Hewett 03:09
I know, this is the funniest. I love this question so much. Because everybody expects me to be like, Oh, my gosh, I was like this entrepreneur out the gate. I'm one of those that was the opposite. I was actually I know, I was actually the shy kid. So I actually was one of those kids that was really afraid of people's judgments of me, I was always constantly hiding. I was the kid who always made other people look good. Like, even as in my first company, I was the one that made everybody else look good. But I was like the the one really making it happen behind the scenes. So in my very first business, I didn't, I actually went to work when I was 13 years old, I grew up poor. And so in order to eat, it really just really became out of necessity. And one of the catalysts that got that was that when I was about 13 years old, my dog died. Our house was so infested with fleas, they literally like suck the blood out of them. So it was like one of those moments where I remember feeling like I don't know what success is, but I'm, I'm not going to be poor for the rest of my life. So it was like a decision that I made right then and there, that I knew that I was going to figure it out. It took me a little bit. I wasn't into my 20s before I really started my first brick and mortar business, was an insurance company. And again, I was like the one that really made things happen, but I wasn't the one being seen, if you will. Isn't that interesting? I'm like one of those opposite. I didn't really come out the gates being this already, you know, knowing how to sell. Actually my mother used to get violently mad at people who called on the phone that was trying to sell so I had sales associated to something really terrible. I never wanted to be one of those people. So I've had to overcome all of that. So that's probably not the typical answer, right?

Susan Sly 05:06
And it's, I love that you brought that point up, because we're very close in age. And I think there is a, there's a, for Gen X, there is a cohort of women and maybe the last cohort of women, but I was told women should be what? Seen and not heard, and being raised by my very strict Chinese grandmother and my dad. And I would go to, my grandmother was one of the founders of the first women's network in Canada, and she was such an advocate for women. And I would say, Oh, can I go to these breakfasts, and she, Mia, she would be like, you can go, but you can be seen and not heard. So and I grew up with that program, like helping a lot of people make a lot of money, as you know, you have done as well, and being that person behind the scenes for a very long time. So how did you overcome that? Because there are a lot of listeners, there are men, there are women, there are kids, they're like Mia, that's me. I'm so shy, I get so nervous speaking in front of the class, or speaking in front of the boardroom, how did you overcome that?

Mia Hewett 06:10
You know, back then I didn't really know why I was like that. I just really thought that that was who I was. So the first thing that I want to give anyone who struggles with self sabotaging or always feeling that way, I want to really say, I want you to consider that, that actually isn't you. I know that sounds funny, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna explain. So here's what I found that really happened. And I found this after my first business, and I built that and I was still this, you know, here I am being successful, you know, being seen and feeling like a fraud, like feeling like, I'm still feeling so insecure inside. Why do I feel this way? I belong here, I belong, where, you know, I'm successful. But I would still feel completely triggered by people, especially if they were real, real dominant personalities like my father was. I would literally just crumble, become the dumbest person in the room, my brain would stop working, I would go into frozen mode. But I didn't understand why. So here's what I found. And this is why I'm saying to all of those that feel this way, even if you've had really good childhoods, okay, it doesn't matter if you've had a great childhood or not. This is what's really happening to every single human being. So what happens to us is, when we were born, we were born whole, perfect and complete. You have to feel this, like not one baby is born with a self esteem issue, not one. So what happened to us? What happened to us is, as a child grows, and we see this happens, between, most often between six months old to three years old, so this is really young, right? But between six months old to three years old, is the most common. And what happens is, we grow, a child grows from an emotional bond of trust. And when that trust gets broken, we experience an immense shame. It's so traumatic for us that we don't know like, we don't even think that we're capable of surviving the emotions we're feeling. And because we don't know how to process our emotions, we're really young, right? So just for everybody that has never thought about this, a baby just to interject something in this, a baby, even if you feed it, and change it, it will die if it's not held. And the reason this is, is because as babies, we actually regulate our emotions off of our caretakers. So when we're a baby, when we're young, this young, we don't know how to process our emotions. And what happens to us is, then we take on those emotions, and we begin to believe that there's something wrong with us. So there is this, what I'm really pointing at, what, what's, where the self sabotage is really coming from, as I'd like you to all consider that the one I'm talking about is the original core trauma, which is an actual split between your authentic self, and then the protective self or your ego self of who you became to survive your life. Does that make sense?

Susan Sly 09:19
It does. It does. And I'm thinking you know, I've traveled the world and been in orphanages and Cambodia and Africa and you see, you know, babies who just really aren't held. Not because it's just maybe there's one person and 24 babies or whatever the case is, and someone who's listening, Mia, let me ask this question. I'd say I had a traumatic childhood. I wasn't given affection. I watched my parent or caregiver go through a lot of anxiety or maybe there was abuse or so. Is there hope for me to get over self sabotage?

Mia Hewett 09:19
Absolutely. Absolutely. So the first thing that I want to make you aware of is I want you to consider that the trauma that you felt, right, we experienced it from the inside, not the outside. So it wasn't that we had a conscious mind when this happens. So we couldn't go, or rational mind, we couldn't say, Oh, well, mom's just having a bad day, or dad's just not worth it to that, right? Like, we didn't have a way to really distinguish what was happening. So we internalized it to mean it was us, whatever they were feeling that we internalize, and then what we made it mean based on like, you know, there's something wrong with me based on the decisions we made about ourselves, others in the world, it literally takes hold. And so what's really been happening is the real, and every single person, the split between what happens is that we develop is will go logically, we're like, I know I'm meant for more, right? Logically, I know that I meant for greatness, but please don't really see me because emotionally, I don't really feel good enough. So it's like see me, but don't see me. I want to be accepted but don't really see me because I'm really afraid you're going to reject me. Or the, or another way to say it is the real battle that every human being is in is they're fighting the battle between the adult side of themselves and the unconscious child in them. And it is the greatest limitation to every single human being. So how you uncover it is you have to like, yes, the answer is 100%, I'm living proof of it. And I've helped hundreds of people overcome this. The key is that we actually need to show you where it's all coming from, because it actually happened in your unique experience. And so the fascinating thing about this as well, which I'd like to touch on, because people don't realize this is the, what's amazing about this is the catalyst that creates this can either create the super achiever, or the underachiever. So the trauma can even make you go into like, I will prove the world, I'm going to show the world that I'm going to, or there's something really wrong with me, and I have to figure it all out first. Either way, what I want to give everybody like, this is that, it's all healable. There's nothing that is not healable, because it was created within you. It wasn't actually in the event, it was the way you interpreted the event, which is why we can have siblings, right, with the same parents, even twins, identical twins, same parents, same situation, and one can make it have a trauma out of it and the other doesn't. Isn't that fascinating?

Mia Hewett 10:10
Yeah, it's interesting, you say that, because I'm reading Will Smith's biography. And he, he talks about that in the book, how he interpreted his father's anger issues and how his brother interpreted them and his sister. And it's, it's so true. And one of the things I found, and let's talk about this provers. So as a recovering prover myself, one of the things I know to be true about provers is that provers are more prolific when it comes to self sabotage than any other group of people. And here's why. It's like, let me prove myself, I've constantly got to be proving, and then I'm going to become exhausted, and I'm going to get burnout. And then just when things are about to get good, I'm in a startup, it's about to you know, have its moonshot or, you know, whatever it is, my business is on fire, or just landed the biggest client, then I'm going to get physical manifestation of some kind of symptoms. So usually provers have some kind of autoimmune illness, I got MS, I gave it to myself. And then they self sabotage. And initially, they blame the circumstance, but it's really them. And they go from proving to self sabotage and proving to self sabotage and proven to self sabotage.

Susan Sly 14:03
And they never ever, ever earned what they're worth.

Susan Sly 14:07
And I see this time and time, again. Even employees who are at high levels in say, even startups, and they, they are in the same thing, and then they'll leave and just before the startup gets, you know, to that next level, and their equity could have been more so much more. But I'd love to hear your take on that. Because proving is such a modern phenomenon. It's not just with women, it's also with men. So talk about proving.

Mia Hewett 14:34
Yeah, absolutely. It comes from this original core trauma. It's exactly like you couldn't have pointed out like a more, more wonderful place to start and look at that. Because when we think that there's something wrong with us, so what happens is the trauma, and again, it's experienced from the inside out. So the trauma creates a perception or perspective, right? A filter from which we see like life, that's coming from our beliefs about ourselves, others in the world, which all came from that core trauma, which then dictates our actions or even our non actions, right? So whether we're going to proving like I will prove this, or we go into hiding, avoiding, procrastinating, either one is all a form of trying to survive or control in order to get the result, right, rather than what we have to do is the complete opposite. When we go back and look into, like, what really happened in that circumstance, in that situation in the original trauma, what we do is then we can start to see Oh, Wow, isn't that amazing? That situation really wasn't even about me. Like, the fascinating thing is when you unravel it, because it's all subconscious, right? Now, it's gone into the subconscious behavior. When you are unraveling, you uncover that it was really never even about you. But you get to see it from the inside out, which is where the healing happens. Because you're no longer looking at it from the outside in, like it's being done to you. And so real healing happens from the inside out. And it's more of a unraveling of consciousness, of the unconsciousness, right? And so then that it becomes conscious. And then from there, here's how it breaks down. So to live your potential, you must see yourself greater than all things physical in life. Let me explain that. Right? So the main point of self sabotage is, I'm going to say it right here, is when the circumstance is greater than who you think you are capable of being with. So when the, what causes self sabotage is when the circumstance, situation, judgment, or limiting belief, you feel is greater than how you see yourself. So what we do in order to really live our potentials like, Well, how do you live your potential then? It's really fascinating but this is actually how it works. Once you can see that you are the creator of your reality, when you can see how you created that trauma, by the way of the meaning and the interpretation you gave it, and then it became an emotional setpoint, what happens is now you can uncreate it, because once you can see that, wow, this is all been a creation of that decisions. So now you can consciously be, like that I have the ability to be capable of responding. So I'm going to accept consciously accept responsibility that I'm capable of knowing how. Like before, like, I'm totally capable before I even have to know how it's all going to work out. But I'm going to consciously decide I'm capable. The second step inside of that is, once you decide you're capable, is now you're going to actively and deliberately choose everything that's happening in your life. The way to grow bigger than your physical life than your circumstances is you have to actually choose it. Right? And then from there, what you do is then from that, how you live your potential, if this is happening, whatever's happening in the moment, and you're choosing it, what, where your real potential lies is in the space between you wanting to have an automatic reaction, that's your subconscious. You accessing a space of neutrality, find how to be bigger than this in the moment, and then choose an aligned action instead. Does that make sense?

Susan Sly 18:54
It does. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, even when you think about this concept of who am I living into? Or who am I a stand for 10 years from now? Right? So who are you a stand for 10 years from now? And what is she or he choose to in this moment based on who you are stand for 10 years from now. And there was an article that just came out in Entrepreneur Magazine, and they're talking about how they, there's a technique called zooming. So that, which not the, not sitting at home on a Zoom, but zooming out and saying, Okay, where is my industry going to be in 10 years? So my, you know, where is artificial intelligence going to be in 10 years or edge computing or whereas whatever it is, your industry is, and then going there and saying, Who do I need to be 10 years from now and what decisions do I make? And when someone really thinks about it, you know, what I'm hearing is that if they're listening and going, oh my gosh, you know, I know I'm gonna get the emails. Mia is talking to me. I know I self sabotage. I know this is me, how do I heal it? Like, what is that one first step they can take? And what I'm hearing from you is that, that choice. Initially, it's like being an addict, you can be addicted to anything. Addicted to drugs, addicted to alcohol, and you can be addicted to self sabotage. But what I'm hearing from you is this presence and being highly attuned and aware too. This is the decision I want to make but I know in my gut, that that's not the decision that when I'm coming from a higher place of path and purpose that I'm going to make. Would that be—

Mia Hewett 20:37
Yeah, no, totally, totally understand, like its—success is really a recipe, right? So it's always inside of a recipe. Like if, if anything that's successful in life, there's always a recipe for it. I like to like it, make it so simple for people to understand that it's going to be really something so simple, there's going to be inside of the recipe. So let me give you an example. So one of the skills that, one of the ingredients in this recipe. So the first one is we have to, we can't change something we're not even aware of. Right? So awareness is always going to be the first step. So understanding where this core trauma came from. But then once we are aware of it, the second step is always going to be, now we have to make a decision to look lovingly and face it, right? There's, there is that, like what you said earlier, really being able to choose that and go all in on it. So we're going to decide to face it. The third step though, is now we have to clear the misunderstanding and misconception that was in our way, because for a problem to exist, the equal and opposite solution must equally exist in the same moment. So by this universal law of polarity, right, I like to say it this way, is everything in this universe exists in an equal and opposite hole. What do I mean? That means for an up to be, you know, for there to be an up, there's a down. For there to be an in, there's an out, that means for a problem to exist, a solution must equally exist in the same moment in time, not a different moment, in the same moment that you're having that problem exists the solution. What makes the difference and all the difference in us getting out of the problem and into the solution, which is what you're pointing out beautifully, is inside of the healing of the trauma, it's going to come down to having the right awareness like, where did this all come from, so that you can see how you created it. Deciding to face it, looking lovingly at it. The third thing is to gain the new understanding, which means you have to then clear up the misunderstanding or misconception that had to go in on the first time, in the first place. Then once you see the where you were, oh, wow, I used to think this was me, I thought that was all about me. And you clear up this misunderstanding, misconception. Now your work is to now go all in on the truth. Right? You must apply the truth of who you really are. And then living from that, you're going to create new behaviors, new habits, new experiences, and your new experiences will create your results. So it is a recipe. Like that is the exact steps of how you create any result you want from not having it. That being said, there's a skill we also teach inside of which I love that you talked about the zoom. I hadn't heard about that. But I teach that. So I love that other people are saying this. But what I'm, what I teach inside of this is there's a skill that we help people master. And it's the aligned intelligence method. But what it does is in a nutshell, is it allows us, and I'm going to use an example. So in the United States, one of our tallest buildings is the New York's, you know, the Empire State Building. So if you're in New York City, and you're at ground level, when you're at ground level, you can't really see anything. The view is completely obstructed by all the tall buildings. But if you were to stay at the same location, and just go up to the top of the Empire State Building, the view completely changes. Your location doesn't change, the way you see the location changes. What this is so powerful about understanding is when what we teach is a, is a skill set to be able to help people zoom out, and then really go to a higher level of consciousness, which is what you're saying, what you're talking about. But what I want to say most importantly, is they can actually do it in the same moment. So meaning you don't have to even go to your future self. All you need to do is become present in the moment that you're wanting to access a higher power, a higher potential. What you want to do is it's in this expansive space where your greatest power lies, because you want to stay where you are and then just be, zoom out and look down on the situation. And then from that, what it does is it gives you a whole other different viewpoint. And then you can ask yourself, Who am I in this? If I was being my potential, living my, who I really am, the greater part of me, who would I be in this circumstance? So then what you're doing is you're going bigger than the circumstance, bigger than the situation, bigger than the judgment, bigger than the resistance, bigger than the limiting belief. And then what it does, Susan, is it gives you, now you have access, you can actually see behind the experience, what's really happening. And what this allows you to do is be able to make effective, timely, purposeful decisions from alignment in the moments that count the most.

Susan Sly 25:49
It's so beautiful, and I love the analogy about the Empire State Building, because it's, it's something people, maybe it's because I just watched the new Spider Man with my daughter, Emery, so it was a good visual. So thinking about that, thinking about the view. And I love how you articulated that. It's this, there is a recipe, there is a recipe. And you know, we've, I've spoken about this on the show before when Sheryl Sandberg received her first offer from Facebook, she was startled, because you know, it was low. And her friend said, would a man accept that offer? She's like, No. And she comes back and ask for everything she wants and she gets it. And I love that, as you know, the world needs more entrepreneurs who have had success talking about this stuff. Because there, there are people talking about it who haven't walked that journey. And it is a different journey. Because it's, you know, people might say, Well, okay, Mia and Susan, this all sounds good. But I'm about to lose my business and I'm paying my employees on credit cards. And the thing I would say to that person is, and I want you to take a turn at this too, if that's you, because I was once that person, you know, you need to, you definitely need to step back. And you have to ask yourself, why are you running this program? And you know, if you could step out of this situation and step up, as Mia was talking about, look at it expansively. What decisions do you need to make in the moment? Mia, what do you want to say to that person who is struggling right now in business? Maybe it's financially, maybe it's emotionally, maybe there are, you know, maybe they're, they're in a crisis mode, lawsuit and employees quit? What do you want to say to that person?

Mia Hewett 27:27
Yeah, well, the biggest thing I would want to say to you is, you're not alone. Like you're not alone. We feel all alone in those moments. And I just really want you to know you're not alone. Anyone who's been in business for any length of time is always going to come into some circumstance, some situation where they have to grow bigger than the circumstance or the situation, or the judgment, or anything that you're feeling in the moment. The biggest thing that I want to say to you, though, is I want you to consider, if the universal law of polarity is true, I just want you to consider if it's true, that for there to be a problem, the equal and opposite solution must equally exist. What I want you to consider is, what has to shift is just the way you're looking at it. It's not actually, like it's, so how you're going to do that is I want to say it this way. Most people minimize the potential of what they're already doing. What I mean by that is they, because when we're in our protective self, we don't see the potential, we don't see the opportunities, we don't see what's right in front of us that's already working. And I can promise you, if you slow down, pull up and out of yourself and look down on the situation from a higher level of consciousness, and you ask yourself, What am I doing that's really, really working? And then how could I, if it's really working, if that's working, how could we do more of that? And how could we have that produced two times the return, five times the return, seven times the return, 10 times the return? Because just by shifting up and out of it, instead of thinking this is like the end or the end all be all of in that circumstance, the way to break the pattern of self sabotage is to actually zoom out. Come up and out over the situation, look down on it, look at it with a new pair of eyes of what would work. How would we make this work? And then the key that I'm pointing at here, is we want to stop framing problems as facts. Because when we state these things as ah, like this is happening to me. It tricks our brains into thinking that there's no solution. So instead, anytime you find yourself feeling like there's a problem, my best advice to you is to come up and out and instantly get into curiosity. And from curiosity, ask yourself a question. If this was completely solvable, if it was completely possible to have the solution to this right now, how would you solve this? From coming up and out looking down, the viewpoint changes, what you'll see is different and you will then be able to take action and go all in on it. And this will become a non issue.

Susan Sly 30:38
I love that, Mia. And I would encourage everyone to get Mia's book, Meant For More. Go to Mis thank you so much for being here on Raw and Real Entrepreneurship. You are, I love what you're doing in the world. And congratulations on all of your successes. You're absolutely remarkable. And everyone, if this episode has touched, moved, and inspired you, Mia and I would love a five star review, share it on social, tag us on social, and by all means write in. I love to get your feedback. So Mia, again, thank you so much for being here. Meant For More, go get the copy of the book, subscribe to Mia's list, and Mia again, thanks for, thanks for your amazing wisdom and insight.

Mia Hewett 31:23
Thank you so much, Susan. Thanks so much for having me.

Susan Sly 31:26
Absolutely. Well everyone, this has been another episode of Raw and Real Entrepreneurship. Make sure you are subscribed. We have a new episode that comes out every single week. With that, God bless, go rock your day, and I will see you in the next episode.

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Susan Sly is considered a thought leader in AI, award winning entrepreneur, keynote speaker, best-selling author, and tech investor. Susan has been featured on CNN, CNBC, Fox, Lifetime, ABC Family, and quoted in Forbes Online, Marketwatch, Yahoo Finance, and more. She is the mother of four and has been working in human potential for over two decades.

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